February 9, 2012

“Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”

Posted in bible, church, culture, family at 7:26 am by Jerry

I expected this blog post to be controversial among evangelicals due to the subject matter AND how it was presented (“Jesus showed himself to be particularly concerned about children, and we ought to be, too.”). But I honestly didn’t expect the kind of responses Prof. John Stackhouse is getting in his comments section (although, I’m not at all surprised at how poorly he responded to the comments).

Believe it or not, I remember my twenty-some year old parents being more than “particularly concerned” about how to raise their boys. Looking back, I can’t say the “main reasons” my parents hit me was that they were “lack[ing] the imagination or the determination to actually find out about other forms of discipline that do work”… or that they were “too tired or lazy to do anything other than whack [me] when [I was] bad” (see Stackhouse comment in thread #2). No, I think the main reason was because they thought they were being faithful to God.

In fact, I remember (though not word for word) my Dad expressing (confessing?) his struggles over what to do when me and my younger brothers mis-behaved. He said he and my mother had done a lot of praying about it, and finally, the pastor in the church we were attending at that time sanctioned parents to hit their children by justifying it with his interpretation of biblical verses found mostly in the book of Proverbs. And yet, though my Dad grew up with this model from his own parents, and was taught by his moral advisers that it was God’s Will to hit his children, I could see that he hated doing it. And I don’t know if his conscience was at all soothed by getting use to it over the years, either (with each consecutive child there was less hitting). So allow me to emphasize a very important point I’d like to make here…

My parents thought they were acting on the best moral values available.

Later, when the four of us boys were moving out of their house, one by one, they made sure to communicate with us that they know they weren’t perfect parents. But they said it was their hope that we would learn to be better parents than they were, just as they had learned to make their own improvements on the parental examples they were given. They said they believed that each generation of parents made improvements based on what they didn’t like about how they were raised.

These days there are so many different parenting styles out there (some made fun of in the movie above). And there are even more disapproving judgements being made of each other’s parenting styles. I’ve personally come to a place where I think that every parent is different, every child is different, and in every home methods are developed that have practical value for all who live in that home. However, when it comes to child abuse, a line has been crossed. Which begs the question: Is “spanking” (read: hitting your child hard enough that they don’t want it to happen again) child abuse? According to some of the comments following Prof. John Stackhouse’s blog post, corporal punishment isn’t abuse when it’s “mild spanking done in love” (see evedyahu’s at the end of thread #2).

1 Comment »

  1. Jerry said,

    Here are some interesting excerpts from latter comments on Stackhouse’s blog post:

    “19. zy
    …Since I have 5 kids, it’s easy to see that different kids will respond differently to spanking. For the sensitive, people-pleasing types, it will be effective, and yet so will a stern word, or a gentle conversation. [My five yr. old could fit into this category] So why spank? For the “clueless” or “oblivious” types, it will be ineffective, because they don’t “get it” – a lot of training is in order. For the stubborn and stoic types, spanking will be interpreted as an offense against their person or an invasion of their autonomy (this idea taken from Please Understand Me by David Keirsey), and they won’t listen as long as their rights are being violated, although for the sake of self-preservation they may “submit” on the outside. [I think I could have fit into this category]”

    “21.Eric Kyte
    It also comes to mind that it wasn’t all that long ago in history that we stopped talking of a husband’s right to hit his wife. I guess no one is still arguing for this, yet many of the same arguments were made. ‘The rule of thumb’, was about of the thickness of a rod a husband might legally use to ‘chastise’ his errant spouse and this in countries where the church was powerful societally.”

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